February 8, 2009

February 8, 2009

Today I made, well decorated this new journal of mine! I like it for now. I’ll probably change it later. So today we came home from the cabin. It was uneventful up there. Eddie and I went on the atvs, I finished reading Breaking Dawn last night. I insanely love the twilight saga! I could read those books over and over again. But anyway, I am in pretty much desperate need of a boyfriend. Like I feel like I’m going crazy without one. I want to have my first kiss, I want to cuddle with someone, flirt with them. Spend a lot of my time with him. But I have no one. Not even close to a guy I could like or go out with. Ugh! And lately I’ve been having dreams about “potatoes” and I feel like I want that. Well, not all the way. Just the stuff that leads up to it. I want a guy I can hold hands with down the hall, who I can make fun of and he’d do the same but it’d be a way of flirting. And those lovey dovey moments when we just give each other compliments and stare into each other’s eyes. See? I know a lot about relationships, and I’ve only been in one! But I don’t know if that could really count as a real relationship. Oh well, I guess I’ll just keep praying. If I could have a guy to like me for me, and maybe be going to Hawaii with the band that’d be so amazing! Haha. Well, I guess I better be going to sleep so I can fantasize and dream about potatoes with that cute guy. *wink wink*

<3 Ava Estelle

Present day me: “Potatoes” is code word for sex. My only relationship at that point was on the phone and through aol instant messenger, so I was ready to have someone I could go out with who lived in the same town as me.

February 7, 2009

February 7, 2009

Saturday

This past week was a really long one and lots of things happened. On Wednesday night Hannah called me and I told her all about how many girls who I hang out with don’t like her anymore. They all think she’s a slut. So, I wanted to tell her the reality of the situation. While she’s sitting at lunch with Tommy and Derrick and other nasty guys, everyone at our table is dissing her and calling her names. Anyway, I tried to tell her about it as nicely as possible. What Rhonda had found out – pretty much everyone that we had hung out with at the dance doesn’t like her. So, it wasn’t looking good for Hannah on our end. But when I told Hannah everything she listened and understood. She said she wasn’t/isn’t very close with these girls. She had met them just this school year, which is totally true. And that doesn’t really matter to Hannah what other people think, just as long as she has a good relationship with each, Tabitha, Rhonda and me. Which is good. But while this little stressor was going on for Rhonda and I and Hannah something else happened.

While (one day) Beth and Hannah were working out at the Y together, Beth had asked her how far she’s gone with a guy. Hannah told her some things had happened up at Jared’s cabin between her and Jared. Tabitha and I were the only ones who knew about that. But Beth went up to Jared and asked him about it and he said nothing had happened at all. He lied. Hannah would not make up those things just for attention or the hell of it. She didn’t want to tell Rhonda because she didn’t want to see/know Rhonda’s reaction to it. But Beth talked to me and Tabitha about it during lunch one day with Rhonda right there. My only thought was how the hell did Beth find out about that?! So, Rhonda figured it out and was really disappointed and hurt that Hannah didn’t tell her something that important. And the fact Beth knew before her pissed her off a lot.

So, Rhonda finding all that out changed the way she looked at Hannah. I told Hannah that Rhonda had found out about it and was really hurt and mad. So, Wednesday night I also talked on the phone with Rhonda realized it seemed like Hannah was treating her like a secondary friend not a best friend. There are many explanations. I don’t need to write them all down. But the next morning before school, Hannah and Rhonda talked about it all, I walked with them. It came out to seem like Rhonda didn’t want to be her friend anymore or to just take a break, which I did not want to happen at all. But it wasn’t the best conversation between them. Hannah was all apologizing and Rhonda’s tone wasn’t helping the situation. I didn’t say a word the entire time. Just listened. During band I told Tabitha about everything, and Samantha listened in. Later at lunch Hannah looked really sad, and Rhonda didn’t want to talk to her because she might say something wrong or it might just be a repeat of the conversation that morning. So, I went over to Hannah and I asked her if she’d want to walk. I told her “Rhonda is hurt, and at the moment doesn’t want to talk to you because she can’t look at you the same.” I could tell Hannah was really sad about it. But to just give Rhonda some time to cool down and think it over more. After school that day Rhonda and I were talking, and she asked me what my opinion was of her reaction and Hannah’s actions. I told her I thought she was overreacting a little bit, but I understand how she felt. I understand both sides of them. If I was Rhonda I would have reacted the same way, but not talked to her as harshly as Rhonda had. I had told Hannah that I’ll be her friend no matter what and I would be there for her whenever she needed. Which helped. Thursday night we had pep bad. I gave Tabitha a ride and asked her what her opinion was of the situation. She said she understood both sides but doesn’t want to be involved in it. (Like I was, right in the middle of the two of them) and I think Tabitha was in a good spot. She knew she wasn’t as close with us at the moment because she’s been really busy with basketball. Friday morning Hannah and Rhonda walked and talked without me there. Which was good because they worked everything out and their fight was over. And I was really happy about that, well ecstatic. After school yesterday, Hannah, Tabitha and I went to Starbucks and talked about it some more. We said how much high school drama sucks and how out of hand it gets. Especially with the people who we’re friends with.

New rule – don’t tell Beth anything that you’d want passed around to people, who especially don’t need to know. And know who your true friends are because they can help you get through everything. And that is so amazingly true. So, we came up to the cabin last night and that’s where I am right now. I rearranged my things on my walls in my room and moved my bed. I’m reading Breaking Dawn for the second time and in love with it! I SO want a boyfriend right now!

So, I guess this notebook has come to an end. ☹ too bad. now I have to start another one haha. But I like writing in journals and looking back over it years later and see how much I’ve changed. So, I guess this is good-bye! There is some juicy stuff in this journal that’s for sure! The first half of my sophomore year of high school! Aww! Well, cya!

<3 Ava Estelle

Present day me: this is just the beginning of high school drama between all of the girls….