February 8, 2009

February 8, 2009

Today I made, well decorated this new journal of mine! I like it for now. I’ll probably change it later. So today we came home from the cabin. It was uneventful up there. Eddie and I went on the atvs, I finished reading Breaking Dawn last night. I insanely love the twilight saga! I could read those books over and over again. But anyway, I am in pretty much desperate need of a boyfriend. Like I feel like I’m going crazy without one. I want to have my first kiss, I want to cuddle with someone, flirt with them. Spend a lot of my time with him. But I have no one. Not even close to a guy I could like or go out with. Ugh! And lately I’ve been having dreams about “potatoes” and I feel like I want that. Well, not all the way. Just the stuff that leads up to it. I want a guy I can hold hands with down the hall, who I can make fun of and he’d do the same but it’d be a way of flirting. And those lovey dovey moments when we just give each other compliments and stare into each other’s eyes. See? I know a lot about relationships, and I’ve only been in one! But I don’t know if that could really count as a real relationship. Oh well, I guess I’ll just keep praying. If I could have a guy to like me for me, and maybe be going to Hawaii with the band that’d be so amazing! Haha. Well, I guess I better be going to sleep so I can fantasize and dream about potatoes with that cute guy. *wink wink*

<3 Ava Estelle

Present day me: “Potatoes” is code word for sex. My only relationship at that point was on the phone and through aol instant messenger, so I was ready to have someone I could go out with who lived in the same town as me.

February 24, 2008

February 24, 2008

Dream from last night.

Hannah was having a party, but it was up at my cabin. Aaron was over (of course) and it was winter out. The layout of the cabin was different though. So, I guess all we did at the party was lounge around in my room and have a treasure hunt with everyone. It was kind of cool. Then I had a dream that I was hanging out in my room here in town and I hear my dad come home and yell up the stairs, “Gram’s is here!” and I rushed down the stairs and saw her wearing the same outfit that she was wearing in the picture that I have of her on my whiteboard. So, I give her a big hug and tell her about my life.

So yesterday I went to see Definitely, Maybe with Rhonda at 1:30 and that ended around 4. We walked around the mall until Delia, Beth, Hannah and Tabitha were coming. So, they got there and we hung out til about 6. Then Hannah and Rhonda had to leave so it was just the four of us. We went to Deb and tried on dresses. Then we went to Inside Scoop and bought candy because we went to see the movie 27 Dresses! So I saw two movies in one day! They were both really really good! After 27 Dresses we went home. Tabitha gave me a ride home. Then today I played DDR a few times and just hung out. It was relaxing. G’night!

Ava Estelle

Present day me: I remember this being quite an awesome thing! To be able to see two movies at the same theater in one day, with different friends! I also remember having that dream about Gram. I still miss her very much. I believe when a soul that’s passed shows up in one of my dreams that is their way of connecting with me again. This was my first dream with her in it since her passing. I gave her the biggest hug I could when I reached her!

August 22, 2007

August 22, 2007

4:40am

OH MY GOSH I just woke up from the SCARIEST dream I’ve ever had. I had a dream about dad dying. He was on his business trip, and as he was driving home, he got hit by a purple semi. Woah. I was like really shocked. All else I can remember is us all, being shocked and kind of to ourselves about it. I even asked mom if we’re going to sell the cabin. She said, probably. After I woke up from the dream I laid in bed and cried for like 10 minutes.

 I rethought about the whole dream again and this is what I came up with. At the beginning of August, I had a dream about Oma dying (she got shot in the head, twice) so, when Oma and Opa both came up to the cabin a couple weeks ago we went out to eat. On our way back home, we turned onto a county highway and almost collided head on with a car that was on the wrong side of the road! My dad totally swerved into the shoulder and around this car! Who was sitting in the front seat? Oma.

Present day me: Having the time to read these entries and type them out to present to others has been a very cathartic and somewhat of a struggling experience. Having this entry be in my mind current day, it’s made me realize a giant foreshadowing of my life from these two dreams occurring within this month and year. In late September 2007 I lost a loved one that I was very close to. It wasn’t someone mentioned in this entry, but it was someone in connection with my dad. She and I had special time together during her lifetime. I learned important life skills. She taught me how to knit, sew, bake cookies and just be calm at home. Staying with her, without my siblings, helped me find that calm within myself. I didn’t need to leave the house to have fun. I learned that from these experiences.

Losing her right as I was beginning high school made it a time where my grief wasn’t really expressed. I ended up dealing with it in short amounts as time went on. These dreams gave me a clue into what was about to happen. Reading this entry today, many years after this loss, makes me realize this.