November 29, 2009
Shit. Fuck. Retarded. Ugh! Damn it. Laaaaame!
Friday: went to Delia’s at 4:30am. Mom and dad made me stay at the lake and drive into town early in the morning. So, I picked up Delia and Andrea. We went just to Target because it was so busy! I parked at Goodwill. I bought two seasons of House and new earrings. I took those two home, came home, showered, went to the bank – took out $350!! And bought a new ipod! Came home. Synced it. Went to New Moon with Delia and Rhonda. It was pretty good the second time. Came home, went to work. Saw Derek. We had break together. He was all over me again. We texted after we closed, and we said how excited we were to hang out tonight. I came home after work and kept pleading with him to come over and then I hear a car door shut. Mom came home. I texted him DON’T COME! And that was the last thing. Mom took away my phone again for “lying” to her. I was going to go to Paula’s house but got out of work late and was exhausted, so I came home. So yeah. I’m screwed again. Saturday, I went to work from one til close. Long shift. Went to Delia’s after and stayed over. We watched Sonny with a Chance and talked about a bunch of stuff. Woke up this morning, came home, went to work from noon til 6:30 and am now home. Ugh. I’m sick of working. I have to go tomorrow too; Derek won’t be there. I really want to see him and tell him he’s not in trouble. Just I am. So that’s all for now. Bye!
Present day me: I remember being so busy and worried about my mom busting me for doing nothing. Like, I get punished for coming home after getting out of work late and not going to my friends house like I had told her? Sure, I could have called her to let her know the change but at that time I didn’t see the point. Instead she worried herself and thought the worst of me and took away my phone anyway. Well, that keeps her from getting in touch with me when I’m still going to work and school and seeing my friends from school….
November 24, 2009
Still no phone. Going fricken crazy! I really want to switch my ipod for my phone. But today I went to school. Pretty crappy actually. I talked to Rhonda on the phone, it was such a GOOD conversation. We talked for two hours about my Friday night, friends, Hannah, what we think of each other now, how life has changed and how everything just is. It was sad but good to talk everything out. I told her how I felt about when her and Tabitha came to visit me at work and she said it feel like I look down on the two of them because I’ve done more stuff than them, which I guess I do, but they’re still two of my best friends. But its hard because I tell Rhonda stuff but I can’t tell Tabitha because she wouldn’t be my friend anymore and same with Delia. So yeah. I really hate this school year.
Maybe will hang with Derek on Friday though?
<3 Ava Estelle
Present day me: I remember being strategic about what each of my friends knew about me at this time. In hindsight it sucked but I also could acknowledge that the things I told Rhonda were probably being told to Tabitha too, at least at some points in time. Delia was a little removed from those two so I could preserve my friendship with her differently.
November 21, 2009
Let me write down about the last couple of days:
Thursday – well actually Friday morning I went to the New Moon premiere at midnight! With Delia and Tabitha. We had made shirts, and I drove. We got to the theater at 10, I had brought candy, we sat for two hours and then the movie came on. It was SO good! Jacob Black = so fucking hot! Yeah, and I’m team Jacob now. After the movie I saw Bailey from work going to the 2:30am showing. I told her that it was really good! She said, have fun going to school later! So, we slept for a total of 3 hours. I felt fine first through third hour and then crashed fourth, fell asleep in fifth, sixth (failed my civics test) and seventh. Came home, took a nap/rest for 45 minutes and then went to work. I worked with Aimee, Mildred, Layla, Derek and Erin. We got out on time. I was holding up pretty nicely too! So, I came home and Meryl was here with her friends and I waited for Gil and Emily to come.
Let’s skip to today now. Woke up this morning and took Meryl’s friends home. Came back, opened all the windows upstairs to air it out, it smelled like pot, smoke, and sex. Ha wow. Ironic huh? And I turned on the fan. I pretty much sat around all day. Mom came home and blew up at us, Cathy called her. She made us clean. But she just knows about Meryl, not me. 😊 but we got our phones taken away for a week. Whatever. And yeah. Now I’m going to go talk with Meryl about my night and the 3 sum! 😊
<3 Ava Estelle
Present day me: I remember my mom took away my phone too because I allowed my sister to have friends over while she was gone. Having my phone taken away for a week wasn’t that bad at the time. Looking back on these few days as a 30 year old it’s amazing what I could get through without much sleep and still be okay overall. These days I could not do a full day of school and working on little sleep like that. It’s a fun experience to look back on.
November 21, 2009
Derek and Jimmy just left!!!
Meryl and I had the house to ourselves, so we invited some friends over 😊 I had to work so I didn’t get home until around 10ish. Gil and his girlfriend Emily came over and we watched The Big Lebowski. That was entertaining. They brought pizza and movies. Around 12:30am Derek and Jimmy showed up. They said hi to Gil and Emily and they had brought over beer and such. Gil and Emily had to leave. I told Derek that my sister was upstairs with her friends smoking weed. He got excited. We went up to her room, sat in a circle and everyone smoked except me. Peer pressure didn’t do me in! Then we went downstairs for a bit, then came back upstairs because Meryl and her friends wanted to watch a movie. So, us three sat on the S chair, and started the whole “she-bang” (literally!) and yeah. Derek and I kissed, and I did a hand job and he fingered me. Jimmy ran his fingers over my body. That definitely turned me on. He fingered me too. (I’m sore down there) they both did for a total of 4 fingers. We couldn’t turn any lights on, so that was good. We moved into my room, all three of us on my tiny bed. I think a board broke actually. Made out with both, got fingered by both, Jimmy has a way bigger dick than Derek, which is different. I was thirsty so I went into the bathroom and Derek followed, we humped standing up and then Jimmy walked in. After we were taking a break, Derek took a smoke. Jimmy and I went back to my bed. I sat on top of him, and we dry humped and kissed. He knows how to move his hands. And then Derek came back from his cigarette and said they should leave in 10 minutes. I didn’t want them to go.
So, I put my pj’s on, Jimmy came up to me hugged me, kissed, picked me up so I was straddling him. I think possibly/maybe Derek got a little jealous and at one point when Jimmy was fingering me and I had both my hands on both of them Derek whispered in my ear, “if he wasn’t here, I would have sex with you.” Eeeep! 😊
SO yeah, I’m going to air out my room and get some much-needed sleep.
<3 Ava Estelle
Present day me: What an entry to revisit. No sex, but just a lot of fooling around with two hot guys when I was also hot. Hahahaha. I do remember this time and actually forgot the Gil and Emily were hanging out with me the same night before the guys came over. Looking back, Gil did flirt with me and hang out with me outside of work a few times. If he wasn’t in a relationship he and I probably would have gone out a few times too. They’re still in a relationship to this day as far as I know! I admire the trust they had and still have together.
November 15, 2009
Friday – went shopping with Delia after school for Andrea’s present. We got her slipper socks and cute Christmas shorts. It was fun to hang out with her. We talked about dirty songs and how we should write a song with all our inside jokes and title it “I’m a crack whore, want to have sex with me?” 😊 after that we both had stuff to do. I picked up Eddie from basketball practice at 6 with Meryl and we went up to a restaurant near the cabin to meet mom and dad. I might be having a Christmas party on the 19th! The cute waiter was there and I’m pretty sure he saw me. I almost hit him with a fry when I flicked it at Meryl but it went too far. We rented movies but only watched one: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. It was really good.
I got up Saturday, went to work til 5 then went over to Andrea’s birthday party. I hung out with Rhonda mostly. I took her there and home. It was good to re-connect with her. Delia came late, so it was us three and Gwen. We just sat behind the couch and talked. We left at 11 and I stayed at Delia’s house. We rented Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Funniest movie ever!! We stayed up til 3. When we rented it we think the guy let us and didn’t ask for ID because we were really hyper and seemed kind of drunk.
I woke up this morning at 7:30 and came home to an empty house. Did my homework and chilled out. I almost hung out with Derek last night but he cancelled last minute because of “family obligations” whatever. I think I’m done hanging with him for a while. Him and I can take a break. I should go back to my old self, start scrapbooking again, hang with my friends and just be me instead of trying to hang with him every weekend. Because I did hang out with him the last two and this last time was so amazing I think we can just take a break. And it will probably be awkward at work, oh well. I’ll see if he really is sorry or if he lied. So I guess that’s it for now. Ttyl!
<3 Ava Estelle
So went to work, saw Derek. And after work I texted him saying we should take a break, don’t really have a reason. But I’ll just see him at work and not hang wit him for a while. He wasn’t lying, he was drinking and then his mom hurt herself somehow, so yeah. And besides he’ll talk to me more at work if he doesn’t see me outside of work. And that’d be nice. Watch I’ll probably change my mind next weekend.
Present day me: I remember watching the Zack and Miri movie but not much else from this entry. It’s still interesting to revisit these times and see how I’ve changed over the years.
November 11, 2009
School. Went to the bank and then Michael’s with Eddie and Meryl. Then at 4:30 I met up with Rhonda, Delia, Brad, and Devin at Starbucks to discuss the cookies for community club. Came home, did homework- finished two essays for English. Yay!
So, this past Sunday I went out to Panera with Delia and we talked about so much stuff. Our group falling apart, the school year, the south girls, everything. Then we went to Target and thought of a birthday gift for Andrea because her party is on Saturday. Like nobody is going to it because they have plans or just don’t want to. It’s so lame. This party won’t be as good as last year’s. Oh well. Tabitha and Craig weren’t even invited, so not sure about that.
Tabitha and I went out to Subway for lunch today. It was good to hang with just her instead of her and Rhonda. When those two are together I feel like the third wheel. They’re loud, rude and talk about stupid things. Like one time they came to visit me at work, it was a few days before Halloween, so it was really busy. They came and just dissed me, made fun of me, and said stuff like, “we’re going to complain to your boss,” or whatever. That made me mad. I like where I work and am respected there and I don’t like them treating me like that there. But I never told them because they were “just kidding” and I know that, but it hurts sometimes especially from my two best friends.
So yeah, that’s kind of how life is these days. Rhonda has kind of been on my nerves lately. I don’t know why, it’s like I’m sick of her or something. I think we might just be growing apart which is so sad! I really hate this school year. A lot. I’ll just try and live for the little things. New Moon is coming out next week! And I’m going to the midnight show with Delia and Tabitha! That’ll be sweet! Sooo yeah. I think that’s about it for now. Tomorrow I’m working, hopefully Derek will be there, I haven’t seen him since Friday. And on Monday when I worked Hunter closed. But it was okay.
<3 Ava Estelle
Present day me: I remember starting to feel disconnected from Rhonda and Tabitha. For whatever reasons the group of friends we all had the year prior was dissolving between different people who were once really close. It sucks to have that happen during our junior year of high school.
November 6, 2009
So it was the last day of late start week, kind of overall lame because we didn’t do anything before school in the mornings. We were going to go to AFR but didn’t because Tabitha and Rhonda didn’t want to. They’re lame. So, after school I went to work, I worked with Aimee, Layla, Mildred, Paul, Derek and Mary. We got out at 9:32! Yeah. Derek got a ride from Jimmy, and I parked on a street nearby his house and went to his house because his parents weren’t home. Jimmy went into his room and we went in the guest room. It was one of the better times with him. 😊 man, it was amazing! Lasted about an hour. We were standing and kissing, he picked me up and laid me on the bed. We made out more, turned off the lights, and took off our clothes and did all the fun stuff. He fingered me with three fingers! It hurt a little but felt good. He also ate me out and I gave him a hand job of course and we both came. When he turned on the lights there were little prints of blood on the bed. I think he just went in too deep, so we were done with that. We went downstairs and he made a pizza. Jimmy, him, and me sat on the couch, me in the middle of course. At one point Derek got up and I laid down because I was really tired so my butt was to Jimmy and he smacked it. Hehe. He was drinking. So yeah. I ended up leaving around 11:45 and drove home. Good night. Uhm, and at one point we rubbed our….. together, skin to skin and I made the most noise I ever have. Hehe. So yeah. That’s about it for now.
<3 Ava Estelle
Present day me: Another sexual escapade of before I actually had sex. It’s interesting to relive some of these moments because they’ve been almost scraped from my memory it’s been so long. I really got excited to have any attention from men on me. It was new and exciting to explore what sex and foreplay was all about.
November 1, 2009
Yesterday was Halloween! It was a good day! I went to goodwill with Eddie, as we were walking in Hunter was walking out. And everyone said hi to me when I walked through. Then we went to Walmart and got sodas. I had to pick up dad at his new building and then I went over to Delia’s for an hour to help set up lights and stuff. Came home, carved pumpkins with the family and then got ready! I put on my makeup and got dressed. I looked really good. I went over to Delia’s an hour early to help set up the rest. It was a fun party, yeah it was cliquey, but oh well. It was good to party with everyone again! I gave Rhonda a ride home and told her about Derek and my 12 minutes. So yeah. Got home at midnight and went to bed. Today I hung out at home. Good lazy day. Went through my notes from friends and relived all that. And now I’m going to read my old journals. This should be interesting.
<3 Ava Estelle
Present day me: I remember I dressed up as if I lived in the 80s with long socks, and an off the shoulder shirt and my hair in a ponytail on the side of my head. It was fun to hang out with my friends for Halloween and dress up together.
October 25, 2009
Worked for 8 hours. Saw Derek at the end of my shift. He was on break, and I clocked out he smacked my butt twice and we were smiling at each other and the whole conversation with our eyes. (So cute) and then I see Delia in the window. So, his attitude just changes. But it was nice. I ended up going out to eat with her and her mom at Olive Garden. I didn’t eat much. I was sick Friday night and all yesterday. I’m feeling better for the most part. And am sad I didn’t get to hang out with Derek last night. But maybe on Tuesday, he has the day off. I know he really wants to hang out, so hopefully. And I hope this week goes by fast because I just want Halloween to come, Delia’s party! Woot! Just what I need, a party with my friends! 😊 hm, maybe I could hang out with Derek on Sunday. Well, that’s all for now.
<3 Ava Estelle
Present day me: I remember seeing Delia peeking into the break room through the window on the door and being alerted. She didn’t know about my secret relationship with Derek and we kept it on the down low with people at work too.
October 18, 2009
Been sick since Wednesday night.
Missed two days of school and work. Came home from work today. Feeling better now. Haven’t written in here for 10 days. Wow. Lame. Not much has been going on. Haven’t been talking to Derek much. I don’t know if I really have feelings for him. But, it’s good I don’t really need to make a decision because we can’t date anyway. So, yeah. I’m going to school and work tomorrow so it’ll suck for school but be find for work. That’s it.
<3 Ava Estelle
Present day me: I find it refreshing that at this point with my interactions with Derek I wasn’t obsessed with him or needed to see him all of the time. I still focused on other things.